Children need lots of free play, and free-play time with a parent is often one of the highlights of a child’s day. With our busy work schedules, we might forget to create reliable windows of time that are devoted solely to unplanned, unstructured connection–time directed by our child’s attention and supported by our undivided participation. This is not a time for “high-value” structured activities, such as working on a project or taking a class. Nor is it a time to set your child up with toys to keep them busy while you finish a few emails or clean the kitchen. Child-directed playtime is exactly that–directed by the child’s attention, with the parent present as a calm witness and willing participant.
Play Follows Many Pathways
What does this type of play look like? It can take many forms. Your child might simply want to snuggle quietly while you talk or sing to them. This is important co-regulation time, when your child’s nervous system learns to feel safe in proximity to your calm, steady presence. Simply being there–without doing anything special–is one of the greatest gifts you can offer. The feeling of your calm acceptance goes deep into your child’s self-regulation system, and they will draw on that memory when they need to self-soothe. This kind of connection needs to be refreshed often; the importance of co-regulation time cannot be overstated. That said, even 10–15 minutes of your unconditional attention at a time can go a long way toward helping your child develop an internal sense of safety.
Unstructured playtime might also look like your child inviting you to join an activity: “Wrestle with me!” “Sit and play Lego with me!” They may shift attention from one thing to another in ways that seem scattered by adult standards. This random shifting is actually one of the hallmarks of true play. It reflects child-directed attention–a mode that frees up immense potential for creativity, connection, and innovation. If we can participate with an open mind, a light heart, and a willingness to be surprised, these moments often become the most joyful and meaningful times you and your child will share together.
How To Participate
Rather than directing your child toward a recognizable outcome (like building a specific Lego creation or steering role-play toward a scripted story), it’s best to engage gently, following their pace and noticing how they respond to each small interaction. You might find yourselves moving through a sequence of toys or materials quickly–and that’s perfectly fine. This is how children explore sensory information about the world: one material looks, sounds, or feels like this; another offers a completely different experience. Changing things up in quick succession isn’t a sign of dysregulation–it’s your little scientist at work, comparing materials, textures, colors, sounds, and tactile feedback.
The key is that your child has consistent access to your undistracted attention for a reliable period at regular intervals. If your child spends much of the week at preschool or with a nanny, your morning preparations may be rushed, cutting into this connected playtime–and your child may miss you, even when you’re physically nearby. Building in even 10–15 minutes of focused, undistracted play before leaving the house can give them a greater sense of security and help them self-regulate throughout the day.
Building In Reliability, Relative to Music Class
Check in with your schedule: is the time you spend coming to music class one of the few moments when you and your child aren’t preparing for separation (work, preschool, nanny)? Even if your child loves music, they may feel conflicted because what they most need is unhurried connection with you. Check in with yourself, too: if music class feels like one of the few “high-quality” activities you share, you may have an emotional investment in how it goes. Children sense that, and may feel pressure to “hold it together,” as they do in structured settings. This can make music time feel like another performance rather than a space for connection, leading to frustration or disappointment.
While music class offers wonderful opportunities for fun, community, and cognitive and emotional growth, there should never be a question of whether it replaces unstructured play. Both are valuable. The key is to prioritize unstructured play as a reliable daily ritual–ideally at least once in each part of the day you spend together–so your child can anticipate it and feel secure knowing that expectation will be met. Once that rhythm is established, and your child feels confident that your attention will be available regularly, you may find (and I’m fairly confident of this) that transitions become smoother and less emotionally charged. Getting out the door may feel easier, and coming to music class will be a lot more fun.
Be sure to check out the Q&A related to this post. There some good food for thought, and parenting tips:
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