In this new monthly feature, clinical psychologist (and imeetswe Board Secretary) Dr. Brighton Earley, Psy. D., answers questions related to our Neurodiverse Topic Of The Month. This month, Dr. Earley responds to questions related to our featured topic Unstructured Child-Directed Play
Q: As a parent, isn’t it my role to teach important life skills? Shouldn’t I incorporate these lessons into play time with my child?
A: That’s an excellent and very natural question. Your instinct to teach and guide your child is totally legitimate. However, I think it’s helpful to distinguish between “teaching moments” and “connection moments.”
Chances are, your child’s day is already filled with instruction, structure, and learning, especially if they attend school. What is often more scarce—and incredibly valuable—is unstructured, child-led play. This is a time free from demands on performance, learning, or achieving a specific outcome.
If it helps you let go of expectations, think of this time as building the emotional foundation upon which all other learning rests. When you engage in play on their terms, you are strengthening your relationship, building trust, and fostering creativity, problem-solving, and emotional resilience. A secure and connected relationship makes all formal teaching much more effective later on.
So, while you are absolutely one of your child’s most important teachers in life, I encourage you to view this special playtime not as a moment for instruction, but as a moment for connection. Let go of the goal to be “productive” and simply focus on being present with your child.
Q: When I let my child direct play time, sometimes there are long, awkward pauses where I don’t know what I should be doing. Sometimes my child goes from this to that faster than I can adjust. Sometimes they want to do the same thing again and again and it makes me a bit frustrated. What then?
A: These are very common experiences that can feel disorienting for adults, as our pace and logic are often quite different from a child’s. And we tend to struggle with tolerating feeling awkward. Here’s some ideas for how to navigate each of those moments:
- For the Pauses: Resist the urge to fill the silence. These pauses are probably not awkward for your child! They are moments of processing, imagination, and deciding what comes next. Your role is to be a calm, observant presence. You can try quietly narrating what you see (“You’re looking at the blue block now”) or mirroring their posture or gestures. This shows you are engaged without taking over.
- For the Rapid Changes: A child’s play is not always linear. They are following a thread of imagination that we can’t see. The goal isn’t to keep up, but to follow their lead. See if you can let go of needing to understand the “plot” and simply join them in the new activity with curiosity.
- For the Repetition: What feels repetitive and frustrating to us is often your child mastering a skill, processing an event, or finding deep comfort in a predictable pattern. Repetition is a cornerstone of learning and emotional regulation for children. Try to notice the subtle variations they might be exploring each time.
In all these situations, your primary tools are observation and curiosity. Watch, listen, and notice your own feelings of frustration without judgment. Ask yourself, “I wonder what they are exploring right now?” This shift in perspective could transform your frustration into fascination.
Q: Sometimes when I try to do what comes naturally to me, my child instructs me to stop, or wants me to do something very specific, and gets frustrated when I’m not able to do exactly what they want. What should I do in these instances?
A: It can certainly be challenging when the roles feel reversed and you’re the one being directed! This is a fantastic opportunity for both of you.
First, in the moment, validate their feeling out loud. “You’re feeling frustrated that I’m not doing it the right way. You have a very specific idea in your mind, and I’m not getting it just right.” This shows them their feelings are understood and accepted, which is a powerful tool for de-escalation.
Second, take a step back and reflect. They are experimenting with agency and control—concepts they experience from the receiving end all day long. By directing you, they are exploring what it feels like to be in charge. It can also be a reflection of their interactions with others, including you.
Notice your own reaction. What does it feel like to be directed in this way? If their frustration becomes overwhelming for you, it’s okay to take a break. You can model healthy emotional regulation by saying, “I’m feeling a little frustrated too because I want to get it right for you. Let me take some deep breaths and try again in a minute.”
Q: Sometimes my child wants to just be “on me” and I feel like I’m losing my own body autonomy. What then?
A: Feeling “touched out” is a very real and valid experience for parents. It’s crucial to remember that this dedicated playtime is about connection, not self-abandonment. Your needs and boundaries are just as important.
Here, you have a choice based on your own capacity in that moment:
- Set a Gentle Boundary: You can kindly and firmly say, “I love being close to you, and right now my body needs a little space. I’ll stay right here next to you, but I need my lap to be my own for a few minutes.” This teaches them that their needs are important, and so are the needs of others, including you.
- Lean In with Curiosity: If you have the emotional and physical space for it, try to lean into the contact. Get curious about the need being met. Are they seeking comfort and security? Are they trying to co-regulate by feeling the rhythm of your breathing or hearing your heartbeat? This physical closeness is a primary way children reinforce their sense of safety and attachment.
The key is to check in with yourself first. Honoring your own need for bodily autonomy is not a rejection of your child; it is a healthy and necessary part of maintaining a sustainable, loving relationship.
Q: A lot of the time when I would engage in child-directed play, I’m also working from home. I can’t control when calls or texts come in, so sometimes I take a quick break to answer a call or a text. That’s ok, right?
A: The unique power of dedicated, child-led play comes from your undivided attention. Think of this time as creating a sacred, protected bubble for you and your child. When you are fully present–without distractions–you are sending a powerful, non-verbal message: “You are the most important thing to me in this moment. You are seen, you are heard, and you matter.” When an interruption like a call or text pulls you away, it can inadvertently break that sense of safety you have created. To a child, it can feel like the adult has suddenly vanished emotionally. This can communicate that the outside world (in the phone) is more important than their inner world, which might discourage them from being vulnerable in the future.
The same principle applies to wearing headphones. Your child is constantly reading your facial expressions to gauge your engagement and reaction. If you smile or laugh at something only you can hear, it can be deeply confusing and unsettling for them, as they cannot tell if you are responding to them or to an invisible stimulus.
My recommendation is to prioritize quality over quantity. It is far more beneficial to set aside a shorter, 10-15 minute block of time where you can be completely free of distractions–phone in another room, notifications off–than to attempt a longer period of play with divided attention. I think this way you can honor work responsibilities as well as the profound need your child has for your focused, fully available presence.
Dr. Brighton Earley is a licensed psychologist specializing in supporting children through play therapy at her Oakland office. She works with children of all ages and loves to dive into her clients’ special interests, especially PokémonGO (Level 34!). Outside of her practice, Brighton is a mom to a toddler and enjoys attending imeetwe’s Sunday morning classes.
Brighton Earley, Psy.D.(she/her)
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Office in Oakland CA
ph: (510) 473-2146
em: drbrightonearley@gmail.com
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