Why did I bring my daughter to music class if I had such negative experiences with music as a kid?

by Dr. Brighton Earley, Psy.D.

As a psychologist who works with children, I have acquired these bits and bobs of knowledge that I can apply (experiment with) to my own child. In Therapy School we learn that music is one thing that helps us humans with regulation, so we should recommend it to our patients when they are struggling. Regulation is managing your own feelings, thoughts, and actions so that you can interact with the world in a meaningful way. We all regulate all day long, often without much conscious thought. When our kids are in their babyhood (and beyond), they learn how to self-regulate by co-regulating with us. Our connectedness is what allows this to happen.

When my daughter Zelda hit six months old, despite my own anxiety, I knew I had to try a music class with her. I entered Ryk’s class and sat in the circle hoping to hide behind Zelda and just survive the hour. I was anticipating the worst. In my few music experiences as a child, I was criticized for being off key, for spitting into the recorder-flute-whatever thing, and for not moving in time with the music. I had no idea what to do with these criticisms because I honestly couldn’t hear the differences between the notes, couldn’t manage blowing out air and moving my fingers at the same time, and didn’t feel a natural connection with the rhythm of music. It seemed like the harder I thought and worked at these things, the more clumsy I got. I felt helpless and hopeless in music classes. Eventually I learned to just lip sync and pretend everything was okay.

So I was dreading it. But I stayed, and I’m so glad I did. Over the past 18 months, here is what I have noticed Zelda and myself getting out of classes with Ryk:

1. Rhythm and Predictability: Ryk picks songs with clear rhythms and repeated patterns, with consistency from week to week. These predictability cues help Zelda anticipate what’s coming next, which is something her brain needs to have in order to manage impulses and responses. For me, it gives me a sense of comfort and safety. I know what to expect week to week and enjoy trusting that Ryk will keep things moving at a good pace and that the group of parents and children will support one another.
2. Movement and Motor Control: Ryk’s music classes always involve movement. If kids need to run in circles around us and crash into the bean bags, they do it! Learning to start and stop actions on cue, or to move in time with music helps Zelda practice moving her body in particular ways, which is an important part of self-regulation. She is learning that she can control her body and also express herself using her body, and that her body is not something to be embarrassed about. For me, that part is important too–I’ve had too many experiences of being shamed for what my body does or doesn’t do “right” and so I also needed some healing in this area.
3. Emotional Expression and Regulation: Music evokes emotions. Ryk also provides stories behind some of the songs that increase our emotional understanding of what is happening in the music. Zelda is learning what it’s like to share excitement, cope with overexcitement and calm down, and even process frustration. For me, I have learned that singing (however bad I may sound as I’m still pretty sure I’m tone deaf) helps me self-regulate, likely in part due to the vibration of the vocal cords and its impact on the polyvagal system.
4. Nonverbal Communication and Turn-Taking: Ryk talks about and demonstrates nonverbal cueing in class — like collecting scarves and instruments without verbalizing the instruction. I see Zelda listening for when to start, stop, or change activities. And now Zelda cleans up her items in music class (and toys at home!) with little to no cueing from me.
5. Social Interaction: Ryk’s music classes are social in a low-pressure way. Zelda interacts with the other kids without pressure and is learning to wait her turn, share instruments, and participate in group activities in a shame-free way. Zelda also gets to see us parents cooperating with each other to make music. No one gets told they are doing it wrong–there is no wrong way!

Ryk’s music classes have been a place of psychological healing for myself, and are fun for my daughter. It has also been an important lesson to me that it is important for me to keep doing things that are outside my comfort zone, but SAFE. The music environments at imeetswe create a safe space for us to coregulate with our children, share enjoyment, and grow. And maybe even heal, if you need it.

Dr. Brighton Earley is a licensed psychologist specializing in supporting children through play therapy at her Oakland office. She works with children of all ages and loves to dive into her clients’ special interests, especially PokémonGO (Level 34!). Outside of her practice, Brighton is a mom to a toddler and enjoys attending imeetwe’s Sunday morning classes.

Brighton Earley, Psy.D.(she/her)
Licensed Clinical Psychologist 
Office in Oakland CA
ph: (510) 473-2146
em: drbrightonearley@gmail.com